This writing has been many years in the making. About 19, to be exact. This past Thanksgiving, I saw many
people on my Facebook posting about things that they are thankful for.
Ultimately, it led me to realize that those two words can say so much
more than people realize.
9 months later, you gave me up for adoption. Thank you.
You gave me life, then you allowed me to have a life. Thank you.
That however, is where the "thank you's" stop.
This is where the "fuck you's" start.
You abandoned me. You abandoned my sister. You were more interested in dick and drugs than being a mother. You chose to CONTINUE to use drugs while you were pregnant with me AND my sister. YOU are the reason we both suffered through drug addictions. For that, I say FUCK YOU.
Let me take you through the life you missed. The life you CHOSE to ignore. And still do.
I learned to swim. Without you.
I learned to ride a bike. Without you.
I learned to fight and defend myself. Without you.
I learned to shave. Without you.
I kissed a girl for the first time. Without you.
I got married. Without you.
I had a son. Your grandson. Without you.
I met my sister. Without you.
I met my biological father. Without you.
I had grandchildren. Your GREAT-grandchildren. Without you.
I got a divorce. Without you.
I met an even better woman. Without you.
That's the Reader's Digest version, bitch. That's all you have the right to know.
No. Fuck that. You have no rights in regards to me. That's all I'm willing to tell you.
Almost 19 years ago, you decided to call me. AFTER I started searching for my sister. You're a bandwagon-bitch. I gave you my LEGITIMATE contact information. You said you'd send me my birth certificate and baby pictures.
I feel like I'm never good enough. Thank you.
I have severe self-esteem issues. Thank you.
I fight with self-hatred daily. Thank you.
I have deep fears of my loved ones leaving me. Thank you.
I suffer from suicidal depression. Thank you.
I am Bipolar. I inherited it from you. Thank you.
39 years and 4 months have passed since you decided to give me up for adoption. Since you gave me A life.
I have a mother. She was my Mommy when I was little. My Mom when I was a teenager. In adulthood, she is my Ma. She may get on my nerves, but I still love her.
You will never be deserving of the privilege of hearing the word "Mother" come out of my mouth in regards to you. You will ALWAYS be "Carla".
Am I bitter? Perhaps a little. Not bitter that you gave me up. Not bitter that you ignore my presence in this world. Bitter that you FUCKED ME UP.
Am I thankful? VERY. Thankful that I didn't have to grow up with you and have you fuck me up even more.
With that, I bid you farewell. And one last thank you for making me into the monster I am today.
Thank you.
40 years ago, on 11/29/1973, you gave birth to me. Thank you.9 months later, you gave me up for adoption. Thank you.
You gave me life, then you allowed me to have a life. Thank you.
That however, is where the "thank you's" stop.
This is where the "fuck you's" start.
You abandoned me. You abandoned my sister. You were more interested in dick and drugs than being a mother. You chose to CONTINUE to use drugs while you were pregnant with me AND my sister. YOU are the reason we both suffered through drug addictions. For that, I say FUCK YOU.
Let me take you through the life you missed. The life you CHOSE to ignore. And still do.
I learned to swim. Without you.
I learned to ride a bike. Without you.
I learned to fight and defend myself. Without you.
I learned to shave. Without you.
I kissed a girl for the first time. Without you.
I got married. Without you.
I had a son. Your grandson. Without you.
I met my sister. Without you.
I met my biological father. Without you.
I had grandchildren. Your GREAT-grandchildren. Without you.
I got a divorce. Without you.
I met an even better woman. Without you.
That's the Reader's Digest version, bitch. That's all you have the right to know.
No. Fuck that. You have no rights in regards to me. That's all I'm willing to tell you.
Almost 19 years ago, you decided to call me. AFTER I started searching for my sister. You're a bandwagon-bitch. I gave you my LEGITIMATE contact information. You said you'd send me my birth certificate and baby pictures.
YOU DIDN'T SEND ME A GODDAMN THING, YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING WHORE!
You gave me a bogus phone number AND a bogus address. You told me that your "new family" didn't know about me OR my sister. Are you that ashamed of me? Of us? What are we, your dirty little fucking secret?FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know what? There's something else I can thank you for. ALL of my mental and emotional issues.I feel like I'm never good enough. Thank you.
I have severe self-esteem issues. Thank you.
I fight with self-hatred daily. Thank you.
I have deep fears of my loved ones leaving me. Thank you.
I suffer from suicidal depression. Thank you.
I am Bipolar. I inherited it from you. Thank you.
39 years and 4 months have passed since you decided to give me up for adoption. Since you gave me A life.
I have a mother. She was my Mommy when I was little. My Mom when I was a teenager. In adulthood, she is my Ma. She may get on my nerves, but I still love her.
You will never be deserving of the privilege of hearing the word "Mother" come out of my mouth in regards to you. You will ALWAYS be "Carla".
Am I bitter? Perhaps a little. Not bitter that you gave me up. Not bitter that you ignore my presence in this world. Bitter that you FUCKED ME UP.
Am I thankful? VERY. Thankful that I didn't have to grow up with you and have you fuck me up even more.
With that, I bid you farewell. And one last thank you for making me into the monster I am today.
You said it all. I felt the pain in your blog. You are not a monster. Your a good man. We can't help what's in our dna but change what's on the outside. I know it felt good to get this off your chest.
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