There is an epidemic plaguing this country. And it
started in Hollywood. What the fuck is the deal with naming your kid
something that is Danish for "Please, pick on my kid
unmercifully"?!?!?!? Apple is a fruit, not a name for a kid. Can you
see the conversation in a few years? "Hi. My name is Apple. This is
my brother, Grape. And these are my cousins, Tangelo and Cumquat."
I say it started in Hollywood. Here's my proof. Gwyneth Paltrow
named her kid Apple. Frank Zappa named his kids Dweesil, Moonunit and
Diva Muffin. Michael Jackson named his kids Prince Michael I, Prince
Michael II/Blanket and Paris. Penn Gilette (of Penn & Teller) named his kid Moxie Crimefighter.
Shannon Sossamyn named her kid Audio Science. The list goes on.
Now, the American public, as non-Hollywoodians, have decided to pick up the gauntlet. When I was younger, I knew someone named Starchild. One of my old neighbors was named Summer. She named her daughters Autumn and Spring. Really? Why not just name your kid Partly Cloudy With A Chance Of Showers? Or Jet Fuel? A few years ago, there was a couple in Hawaii who actually lost custody of their daughter. They named her Talulah DoesTheHula. They lost custody under the grounds of cruel and unusual punishment.
Why? Why doom your kid to a lifetime of torture? Isn't childhood hard enough without having a name like Velveeta? Or Abcde (pronounced Absidy)? Or Le-a (pronounced Ledasha.)? Yes. Velveeta. I actually heard this name once at a HellMart in Baltimore. I started looking around for dropped groceries. Why the FUCK would you name your kid after a cheese by-product? These are real names. For God's sake, why must we be so compelled to torture our kids? I guess we've forgotten how hard our childhoods may have been with normal names like David, Stephanie, Rick and Melissa.
Just to add to the list of ridiculous names, on 8/15/2012 actress Kim Zolciak and NFL husband Kroy Biermann (Kroy?!?!?!) had a child. They named this child...Kash Kade. Read quickly...Cascade. Really?!?!? This child joins his older brother named...Kroy Jagger "KJ" Biermann, Jr. "Kroy Jagger"?!?!? Really? Are they expecting him to grow up skinny as all hell with lips the size of Montana? Unreal. And just to trump the stupidity to levels never imagined, we cannot leave Kim Kardashian and Kanye West off the list. They named their child after a damned airline. North West. Oh Kanye...you sly devil. I see what you did there. You're so fly. I wish I would've been smart enough to give my child a name that will damn them to a life of eternal torture. Naming my son Richard was just so...normal.
Just an fyi...this blog will be continually updated as I come across more examples of astoundingly stupid parents. We all know this trend will continue...
REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Now, the American public, as non-Hollywoodians, have decided to pick up the gauntlet. When I was younger, I knew someone named Starchild. One of my old neighbors was named Summer. She named her daughters Autumn and Spring. Really? Why not just name your kid Partly Cloudy With A Chance Of Showers? Or Jet Fuel? A few years ago, there was a couple in Hawaii who actually lost custody of their daughter. They named her Talulah DoesTheHula. They lost custody under the grounds of cruel and unusual punishment.
Why? Why doom your kid to a lifetime of torture? Isn't childhood hard enough without having a name like Velveeta? Or Abcde (pronounced Absidy)? Or Le-a (pronounced Ledasha.)? Yes. Velveeta. I actually heard this name once at a HellMart in Baltimore. I started looking around for dropped groceries. Why the FUCK would you name your kid after a cheese by-product? These are real names. For God's sake, why must we be so compelled to torture our kids? I guess we've forgotten how hard our childhoods may have been with normal names like David, Stephanie, Rick and Melissa.
Just to add to the list of ridiculous names, on 8/15/2012 actress Kim Zolciak and NFL husband Kroy Biermann (Kroy?!?!?!) had a child. They named this child...Kash Kade. Read quickly...Cascade. Really?!?!? This child joins his older brother named...Kroy Jagger "KJ" Biermann, Jr. "Kroy Jagger"?!?!? Really? Are they expecting him to grow up skinny as all hell with lips the size of Montana? Unreal. And just to trump the stupidity to levels never imagined, we cannot leave Kim Kardashian and Kanye West off the list. They named their child after a damned airline. North West. Oh Kanye...you sly devil. I see what you did there. You're so fly. I wish I would've been smart enough to give my child a name that will damn them to a life of eternal torture. Naming my son Richard was just so...normal.
Just an fyi...this blog will be continually updated as I come across more examples of astoundingly stupid parents. We all know this trend will continue...
Straight up, I laughed through reading this. Well done!
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